No Idea

So For the past couple posts, I was sort of intimidated. I am not sure how I feel about a few things, and to prevent sounding a little bipolar, or wishy-washy, I decided to go into the safe route with Lists and Surveys. Don't get me wrong, I think lists and surveys are both great ways to get to know someone FAST... But I am not looking to win a race or impress anybody. This whole blog is an outlet. It is a way to realize how I really think or feel about certain things. I am supposed to word vomit them out of my mouth in order to make sense of EVERYTHING in my head. So I would like to apologize now for not being sure how this blog will end and the twists and turns that may pop up.
To make a crazy long story short, I am now friends with my real dad on FB. The last time I saw him I was 10 months old. So, visually speaking, I only had 2 pictures of him from 1982 or 1983 (BEFORE I WAS EVEN BORN). My mom left him and gave him the choice to be IN our lives or OUT of our lives. She didn't want him in and out and in and out. I can't blame her at all. She gave him $20.00 and her pager number (NO! She wasn't a drug dealer, she was a medical carrier), and he didn't get in touch with us again until I was maybe.... at the very least, 10 years later. He called our house, my sister freaked out and my DAD (step dad) told him never to call back. AND he never did. I am not sure if it was courage or fear from either of them. But whatever it was, I have to believe that it was in the best interest of me and my 2 sisters.
There are factors I do not feel comfortable sharing right now. I know TECHNICALLY it involved or concerned me, but since I have never met my real dad, it feels more of his baggage (which I do not feel comfortable airing out for a few strangers to read).
I am all grown up. My mom met an amazing guy, they got married, he died suddenly (his left ventricle disintegrated), I got married, had 2 babies. I had a dad. I know it probably sounds a little harsh, but I did. No matter how unstable my real dad might have been over the past 23 years, I just pray that he finds peace. I do not in any way, want to go back. It is a little late to be my dad. But we can get to know each other and start from here. I am not ready to meet you. I do not deal well with conflict. I would prefer getting to know you through FB.
I have 2 girls. So that makes you a grandpa. But I do not think I am ready for that yet. I am just so unsure about a lot of things. I do not judge what you did in the past or present. I do have some hurt feelings and questions. I am ready to move on from those hurt feelings. I feel like I am even more stuck than before I started writing. So I will end and pick up later today.
Jamie
P.S.
Michael... This is a jumble of emotions and thoughts. Please do not read too much into this.